80 & 90
	British Military Humor
	Don't Quit
	Ode to Ed Merson
	Ode to Sully Brown
	The Twelfth Strike
	Test Your Inner Self
	Horoscope for Southerners
	Kinda' Interesting Facts

80 & 90    [ Top of Page ]
Unknown Author

Once upon a time, there was an eighty year-old man who loved golf. However, his eyesight was failing him and he couldn't always see where the ball landed. He decided to go to his family doctor for advice. Once there, the doctor told him not to worry, "I have a ninety year-old patient with perfect eye-sight, he loves to golf but has no one to go with anymore. Here's his number, give him a call." So the two old men made arrangements and went out golfing together. The eighty year-old tees off, looks at the ninety year-old, and asks, "Did you see where it went?" "Yep," answered the ninety year-old. "Well, where did it land?" "I forgot."     [ Top of Page ]

British Military Humor   [ Top of Page ]
Unknown Author

The British Military writes OFR's (Officer Fitness Reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"...

	His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
	I would not breed from this officer.
	This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
	When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
	He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
	He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
	Technically sound, but socially impossible.
	This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
	This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
	When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
	Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
	She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
	He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
	In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
	Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
	This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
	Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.     [ Top of Page ]

Don't Quit   [ Top of Page ]
Unknown Author

When things go wrong
As they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging
seems all uphill,
When the funds are low
and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit...
By all means pray, and don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
God's hidden gift in the clouds of doubt.
You never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So trust in the Lord
When you're hardest hit...
It's when things go wrong,
that you must not quit!
 [ Top of Page ]

"Ode to Ed Merson"   [ Top of Page ]
Garnet Vintes

Honey, the barn looks terrible,
The roof is caving in.
The stables need rebuilding,
Since, no horses live within.
 
We need a place to keep our cars,
With winter almost here.
A garage is what we really need,
OK, let's do it, my dear!

  A concrete floor would certainly be nice,
And a sink to wash our cars.
An electric door, with remote control,
Like they use up there on Mars.

  A roof with a spacious room,
For a clubhouse would be neat.
Sky light windows up above,
And the sun shining on our feet.

  Let's put in heat for cold winter nights,
And air for hot summer plights.
A toilet and shower would be cool,
A fridge, and wet bar closer to the pool.

  Let's call Ed Merson, he's just the one,
A job like this could really be fun.
Ed can do it, it's a great plan,
Ed can do it, if anyone can.

  Penned on January 30, 1999.
Dedicated to Ed Merson - his friend.
     [ Top of Page ]

Ode to Sully Brown   [ Top of Page ]
Garnet Vintes

The team was hot, that Monday night,
The beer was cold, and the pins were tight.
Sully Brown was on the firing line,
The Naturals trailed - only one mark behind.

We only needed eight pins to win,
He grabbed his ball, with a sheepish grin.
Sully knew he could do it - to close the gap,
He wiped his left hand, on the towel in his lap.

All eyes watched, as he approached the line,
The ball broke "sharp right," leaving the 5-6-9.
He turned around and wiped his brow,
Sully knew the hour of truth was now!

He grit his teeth, the pressure was there,
He had missed his strike and must settle for a spare.
As his second ball streaked straight down the lane,
The team knew, Sully had won the game.

They started a cheer and began to sing,
I still can't believe, ...
He missed the whole damn thing!!
 
Penned for Sully: 7/28/95
 [ Top of Page ]

The Twelfth Strike   [ Top of Page ]
Garnet Vintes

The pins were tight that Thursday night, 
when Jim Goodwyn was on the line.
The lanes were slick and the ball broke quick, 
but sometimes not on time.

Jim had bowled three strikes in a row 
and the fourth was soon to come.
He approached the line and the ball was fine, 
Jim knew it was the one.

He took his seat and shuffled his feet 
as his buddies began to cheer.
His throat was dry and he wiped his eye, 
as he sipped on his Coor's Light beer.

Jim never thought after strikes five, 
and six that this could be the day.
He could only hope during the next few frames 
that things would go his way.

Seven was next, then eight went down 
as the crowd began to grow.
They clapped their hands and shouted with joy, 
'that strike made it eight in a row.'

Jim took his towel and wiped his brow, 
his hands were feeling dry.
He sipped his beer and rubbed his ear 
and scratched his itching eye.

Jim can't recall strikes nine and ten, 
for the crowd was now going wild.
He bit his lip and grit his teeth 
and tried to muster a smile.

Eleven was a sloppy hit 
but the pins bounced off the wall.
And they all spun around and knocked everything down, 
leaving nothing but the ball.

Only one more strike was all Jim needed 
to make his 300 dream come true.
The end results of his final ball 
... ... ... ... I'll leave it up to you!

Penned as Congratulations and Happy Birthday to Jim ("Pop" - 11/19/97)

Interesting Test   [ Top of Page ]

An Email Test From the Webmaster's Sister

This little quiz is kind of interesting ... Oh OK, a very interesting test ... let's see how you do.

Take a Break and have some fun! Put some Thought into your Answers. When you are finished, I can Guarantee you will be Smiling Or Laughing Hysterically!!!

It's amazingly accurate if you follow the instructions. It is fun to do, but you MUST FOLLOW the directions closely and DO NOT CHEAT, OKAY?

IMPORTANT! Answer each question AS YOU READ IT! There are only four (4) questions. If you look at the answers before finishing you won't get an honest result. Don't Cheat! Scroll slowly and complete each question. Don't look ahead!

Now, get A pencil and paper and write your answers. You will need it to check your answers. This is an honest quiz that will reveal some true things about your inner self.

*** Make a Wish Before You Start the Quiz ***

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Question 1:

Arrange the Following five (5) animals according to your personal preference:

Horse      Sheep      Tiger      Monkey      Cow

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Question 2:

Write one word that describes each of the following:

Dog      Cat      Rat      Coffee      Ocean

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Question 3:

Think of somebody (who also knows you) that reminds you of each of the following colors. Please don't repeat your answer twice. Name only one person for each color:

Yellow      Orange      Red      White      Green

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Question 4:

Finally, indicate your favorite number and your favorite day of the week.

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Are you done? Please review and make sure that your answers are what you TRULY feel... 
Last chance... Before checking your answers, Repeat Your Wish … then click here for answers!

WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN   [ Top of Page ]
(Horoscope for Southerners)

A Julius Conway Email Message

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE!

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not!

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS Jun 22- Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them.  Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Some Kinda' Interesting Facts  [ Top of Page ]

A Julius Conway Email Message

What occurs more often in December than any other month?